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Posts Tagged ‘dating vets’

A few months ago I decided I needed a puppy to fill the void in my life caused by having no soul, no real friends, and no man.  So I adopted a lab mix who used to be a stray- which could have turned out disastrous but fortunately we happen to have the exact same lifestyle.

By that I mean she often sleeps through major life events, needs to lay down to finish breakfast, and circles rooms full of people asking for belly rubs.

So in short, we are like a dog-human dream team.

Since I do love the little bitch, I decided to do the responsible thing and get her fixed last Saturday.  She has pretty much been asleep ever since except for a teensy-weensy little complication which I don’t want to describe in detail because some people (me) vomit at the sight of stuff like this but was bad enough to send my room mate into a frenzy of alternately screaming “OH MY GOD” and “TAKE HER TO THE VET.” And causing me to yell back “WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK I’M GOING TO DO WITH HER ASSHOLE?!??!”

So I take her to the vet, drop her off, and again… START CRYING. 

(Note from the author: If you actually knew me you’d be all “what the heck, this bitch doesn’t even have emotions, let alone tear ducts, why is she lying about all these crocodile tears.” but seriously… I have cried twice this week which is more than I have cried in the last 6 months. So suffice it to say THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME AND I HAVE A FEELING ONLY VODKA IS GOING TO BE ABLE TO FIX IT).

I realize all of the sudden… SHIT I really love this little bitch ( its not a curse word if you are talking about a female dog, so I am going to use it as often as possible in this post). So I spend the whole day worrying and Vet #1 calls me back.

Vet #1: So your dog has some mild tartar that’s going to need to be looked at in the next 6 months or so (I start thinking, if he’s talking about mild tartar she is totally fine) OH AND SHES GOING TO DIE. I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUR DOG, but death is certainly near.  You should probably ask if Death’ll just put you our of your misery while he’s hanging around.*

(note: this may not be an actual transcript.)

Then he says, if you really care about her, take her to see Vet # 2. So I pay my $70 and take he to Vet #2 the next day.

Vet # 2 says: “Here is a list of the 217,694,206  things that could be causing this complication. I don’t really think it IS any of those things for these very specific reasons.  So you have two options… you can do these $1,100 worth of test just to rule out all that stuff I said it probably isn’t, or you can take her home and watch her for a week… I bet it’ll just go away.”

At this point I’m just staring at the dude with my mouth open thinking “PEOPLE PAY YOU FOR THIS, AND ARE YOU SINGLE, ALTHOUGH I’M PRETTY SURE YOU JUST TOUCHED MY DOG INAPPROPRIATELY, AND IM NOT SURE I’M OKAY WITH THAT, AND SHE’D PROBABLY BE PISSED AT ME FOR TRYING TO STEAL HER NEW BOYFRIEND ANYWAY, AND WHEN SHE GETS PISSED SHE EATS MY SHOES AND I THINK YOU ARE GREAT BUT I JUST GOT SOME REALLY SASSY NEW BOOTS AND SHES TOTALLY GOT HER EYE ON THEM, AND DO YOU THINK I’D LOOK BETTER IN A VEIL OR A TIARA AT OUR WEDDING?”

So I told him, I love my dog, but I’m choosing the second option and keeping the $1,100 he thinks I have in the imaginary bank where they belong.

For those of you out there going “OH MY GOD, you are a selfish bitch.” Yes, I am, but this isn’t a good example of why. You’ll be pleased to know the decision was actually far more educated than that and my dog is fine, the complications DID clear up on their own. 

And to further prove my point, when my friend P. called last night to see if I wanted to go out with him I said no. Then I spent the rest of the night waking up every 20 minutes all “OH MY GOD MY DOG IS DEAD” and then sitting up and shaking her until she looked at me like “WTF, this is really getting old.”

(and getting texts from a guy I once made out with at 11:45 at night that just said “what are you wearing?” If any dudes are reading this – THAT IS CREEPY. DON’T DO THAT. Even if you HAVE already had your tounge in her mouth at some point. But that is neither here nor there.)

The moral of the story is Bob Barker is an asshole… don’t have your pets spayed or neutered.*

*have them spayed and/or neutered just expect life-changing and terrifying consequences that could cost you upwards of $1100.

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