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Posts Tagged ‘does God have feet?’

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I just discovered this website called WikiAnswers (by googling “that stupid quote about letting love go and it coming back again and then you had it, or you lost it or something like that”). And let me tell you my friends, I think this is the place for me. 

Essentially anyone with a connection to the internets or access to a public library can ask questions and anyone else with the same luxuries can answer them.  I immediately though…”I am never going to be able to work again because I am going to be answering  ‘Would Chris Brown wanna git wit a eleven year old?’ all day every day from now on.”

Then I realized you have to register for something and that sounded like it would take time, and I don’t have room in my inbox for junk mail from wikianswers because it is full of junk mail from Pottery Barn and Bluefly already.  So I decided to treat you, dear reader,  to the answers to 4 of the questions that I deemed interesting enough to answer.  Enjoy.

Q:  HOW DO YOU BECOME NOT TICKLISH?

A: I think you begin by learning to compose a proper sentence.  I hear they also make a cream for that these days. Its French I believe.  Just google “french tickler.” You are welcome.

Q: TYLER PERRY’S HOUSE OF PAYNE?

A: I am sorry to admit that I, nor anyone on the planet, have any answers for this question.  It is an enigma like “What is Shanae Grimes on? (And can I have some)” or “Does God have feet?” I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.  We are all just as confused as you are as to why movies where men dress up as fat women are so popular. I do offer my most sincere apologies.

Q: WHAT DO THIRTEEN YEAR OLDS WANT?

A: Thirteen year-olds, like any children, all want the same thing.  To make your life as sticky, noisy, and miserable as possible.  They will use all of your money, eat all of your food, yell at you, and eventually crush your very soul. But then some day they will turn 18 and demand that you spend every last penny that you have in order to send them to college where they will probably do all kinds of reckless things like binge drink, pierce body parts, and make out with frat boys in the “secret room” at the Halloween party.

(Note from the author: I’d like to take this opportunity to congratulate my friend ashley who is knocked up!! I’m sure YOUR kid will be different… just keep them away from me…seriously…I’m begging you, I’ll pay…BIG.)

Q: WHY DO PEOPLE HATE EMOS SO MUCH?

A: My mother once told me in a life-altering email:

“[Life] is not a beauty contest- maybe [that girl who is really fug that you were talking mad shit about] is beautiful on the inside- WHERE IT REALLY COUNTS. Didn’t you learn anything by watching that old TV show with Tuti, JO (the tomboy), and about 5 others, one was really pretty and rich (she is today a Christian speaker, living in Mt Pleasant TX, I hear her on the radio sometimes), one black, one chubby, they all lived in a boarding school with an older woman,  and others- it came on around the time of Different Strokes but I can’t remember the name of it.    I’m sure Gilmore Girls addressed this issue too….

If you can think of the show let me know, it is driving me crazy.
MOM

I think, what my mother is trying to say here, is that people hate emos because they are ugly on the inside. 

I personally believe it is also because they have chosen Pete Wentz to be their king.  We’ll categorize that as “poor decision making skills.”

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Part of my job requires me to go to the Dallas Auto Auction once a week and be groped by the eyes of approximately 4,000 dirty old men of varying age, race, and sizes.  Awkward…Did I mention that I attend with my father? Awkwarder…

On occasion some yummy little delight emerges from the 3,999 other fellas to catch my attention.  Recently we relocated and I now find myself back to back with the “Is-he-or-isn’t-he” Guy.  If you have ever been sitting at a Chili’s with your mom while she talks incessantly about the new American Girl doll and stared at some guy across the booth while gnawing on your baby back ribs with a quizzical expression on your face, you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about. 

IS THAT GUY OVER THERE CUTE OR NOT???

Well this was week three of the little game that “Is-he-or-isn’t-he” Guy and I play that I like to call, “Could you possibly turn me off more, and do you want to go make out?”

The first week, “Is-he-or-isn’t-he” Guy brought out the “hey look, I’m normal” card by wearing jeans and a t-shirt.  He is tall, and has a well-sculpted body.  In addition, we are in the same bizarre line of work, so I thought that could be fun. (As in, when people don’t believe what I do, at least I can turn to him and roll my eyes as if to say, “imbeciles!”)

Score: Is He: 1; Isn’t He: 0

The following week “Is-he-or-isn’t-he” Guy slipped a few notches. In what I can only assume was a shortage of time to get ready in the morning, he put together an outfit consisting of cutoff cammo cargo shorts and a t-shirt.  I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you gasping through the computer screen, you must not have read that correctly.  I SAID CUTOFF CAMMO CARGO SHORTS. 

Score: Is He: 1; Isn’t He: 1,647,286

Then he smiled at me and introduced himself and I had to adjust the score a little.

Score: Is He: 1; Isn’t He: 1

This week, he really outdid himself as showcased in the following series of text messages with J.

November 12, 2008 10:17 AM

Cammo cargs is wearing basketball shorts today…in public…where no sport is being played.  This is getting redic.  What will he be wearing next week?!?!?!

From J:

Nov 12, 2008 10:19 AM

I would say god only knows but somehow i don’t think god has anything to do with this. Hes always struck me as a man of style.

[Note from the author: I think J. is talking about god being the one who has great style as she has never met the “Is-he-or-isn’t-he” Guy. Which could be true, I think I saw a pair of Prada sandals once that looked exactly like the ones that Jesus is wearing in The Last Supper.  I mean, I know that is God’s son, but no matter how hard you try, your values rub off on your kids.  Also, I’ve never seen God’s feet which leads me to believe he doesn’t have any, and therefore cannot wear Prada sandals, poor guy.)

Score: Is He: 1; Isn’t He: 2

Tune in next week when I report again on what a virtual stranger is wearing and whether or not I think it is absurd.

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