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Posts Tagged ‘family’

Ok, I know I released Is-he-or-isn’t-he-guy to the gods of Bitchier Bitches than me… but I think playing hard to get actually worked. 

This week it was REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY EFFING cold at the Auction.  So I was wearing approximately 97 articles of clothing and had about half an inch of my face  showing. 

This is the day that Is-he-or-isn’t-he-guy decides to make his move.  He comes over and blatantly ignores me and says to my dad “Nice coat, are you gay now or something?” Swoon.

Then my dad points out that the hat he is wearing looks like something his blind grandma knit for his sister once (which, in all honesty, was less of an excellent insult and more of an accurate description).  Then Is-he-or-isn’t-he-guy smiles directly at me, WINKS…and returns to ignoring me for the rest of the day.

Oh, its so on Is-he-or-isn’t-he-guy. Its SO on.

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This Thanksgiving my mother (who rarely drinks) knocked back a bottle of blush wine by 11 o’clock… AM and decided (in the middle of making Thanksgiving Dinner) like any proper host, that it was time for the “group nap” portion of the holiday.  She made my aunt, my 18 year old cousin, and myself lay down in her bed while she giggled like a freshman full of Boone’s Farm.

At some point the chardonnay caught up to me and I suggested that we rent a vacation home in Colorado in the summer.  I was thinking a long weekend, my mom and aunt immediately informed me that it would take at least a month to do it right.  Then my cousin said something along the lines of “I don’t think you two should have anymore wine.” and they told her she wasn’t invited anymore.  Sucks to be her.

(Note from the Author: This isn’t the first time I’ve seen drunks turn on their young.  You have to be careful when tending to drunk parents or elders in general.  Because at this point in life they think they can handle their alcohol which is pretty much the complete opposite from the truth. Instead of telling them to lay off the sauce,  it is always a much better to suggest that they buy you something – think big here, you can always scale back later- as they will almost certainly give in.  Most people would feel guilty about that, but you just have to think of it as your payment for babysitting the elderly. At least that’s what I do.)

So anyway, it sucks to be my cousin because I am going to be hanging out on an all expenses paid vacation this summer and she won’t (unless of course she waits until Christmas and asks again after they tap into a box of Franzia).

In other news, my cousin K.  put a panini maker on her Christmas list and my mother convinced her mother to give her a brick wrapped in foil instead.  This was met with a resounding chorus of “where is the oven?!???!” by my aunt who forgot to put the eggs in the stuffing (the oven is NOT hard to find in our kitchen…that is unless you’ve already had a bottle and a half of wine, a drunk nap, and a touch of the dementia).

This is why I will write very successful memoirs someday.

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 Me: I accidentally watched an episode of intervention last night
then I woke up this morning to find that no one had cleaned up anything in our apartment [from an insane drunken attempt by too many 20 somethings at having Thanksgiving Dinner]
and I nearly had a panic attack
because there were beer cans EVERYWHERE
and I was all… “Next on Intervention, watch as 17 friends all go to rehab” so then I spent 20 minutes this morning JUST frantically  throwing away beer cans. Because if you hide the evidence, its like we DON’T have a drinking problem.

 

J:  ahahahahaha
you should blog about that

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