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Posts Tagged ‘here’s hoping my ex got that herp AFTER I was out of the picture’

This weekend I was given free basketball tickets by my dad (who I’m sure did not intend for me to  make a cocktail out of wine and beer beforehand and continue to drink my way through 4am).  I decided to offer them up to Ex-boyfriend’s Good Friend.  Who was also a good friend of mine in college and just moved to Dallas.  This was both the best and worst decision I have made since I decided to go to Mexico for a friends wedding and leave all of my luggage in Austin (true story for another time and place.)

Ex-boyfriend’s Good Friend and I have always had a bit of strange chemistry, but I was always Ex-boyfriend’s Girlfriend and he was his Good friend, so obviously we kept our hands to ourselves and played nice.  But I think we all knew what we were getting ourselves into when he accepted the ticket.  I also took  J. and my ginger-friend P.

Everything was great FOR THE FIRST TWO MINUTES OF THE GAME when ExBf’sGF asks me “so are you and Ex-boyfriend cool now or…?” I can hear J. giggling over my shoulder because she knows I now have to have the awkward conversation of  “no, in fact if that asshole was on fire in a puddle of gasoline, I’d probably spray him with jet fuel, but some sort of hybrid slow-burning jet fuel because he took my heart and tore it into tiny little pieces and then used those pieces to spell ‘and I’m taking your dog too but lets still be friends which means I’ll never speak to you again and you will always feel really stupid that you believed me'” (In reality I said, “No, not really, I’ve only talked to him once since…uh, you know”).

We get through the rest of the game  slightly less awkwardly and decide to head to a local bar to meet up with another one of Ex-boyfriend’s Friends who is actually really helpful in easing the tension as he doesn’t ask anything about Ex-boyfriend or why Ex-boyfriend’s Good Friend and I are making bedroom eyes at one another.

(typically when I run into anyone who knew me in college the conversation goes like this. They are all “oh my god, how are you? You used to be so cute in college, but I guess we’ve all seen our better days.” And I grudgingly reply “Thanks, it must have been the meth addiction.” then they are always like “WHAT?!?!” and then I say, “nevermind” and they say, “By the way, how is Ex-boyfriend?” and I say “Dead hopefully.” And they are all “WHAT?!?!” and then I’m like “Just kidding. We broke up last year, but I do hope he has a seriously painful case of the herp. Well, hope I see you again sometime soon!”)

So J and L (who joined us for the drinking portion of the evening) decide to go home in this fashion – “OK BYE WE ARE LEAVING. REALLY TIRED. YOU STAY. STAY AND HAVE FUN. E. SIT, STAY, GOOD GIRL. BYEEEEEE.” Then they threw me a treat and peaced out.

So I ended up at 4 am with Ex-boyfriend’s Good Friend on the balcony of Ex-boyfriend’s Other Friend’s town home. And he is all “You know you are making this really hard right?”

I bat my eyes (or maybe I just couldn’t keep the right one open at the same time as the left one) and say “But I don’t know what you are talking about.”

He says “I can’t date you, because I have to be a good friend to Ex-boyfriend.” And I provide him with a bunch of rational (read: drunk-ass) reasons why that is stupid.  Then because I am SO smooth with the gentlemen.

I START CRYING.

So he says “don’t do that” reaches in to give me a hug, and then defies all laws of nature and starts making out with me. Which was a very pleasurable experience for 37 seconds until we were interrupted by a girl who had asked me earlier if he and I were dating because we were “the cutest couple.” I shot across the 3×5 balcony like the wall was made of Snickers and I hadn’t eaten in a week.

Long story short.  The next morning I talked to him to make sure he wasn’t like OMG WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!??!??!!! And he was like “we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.” I didn’t think it was the appropriate time to tell him I totally plan on designing a jet pack by then, so I don’t ever have to cross any bridges because they REALLY freak me out. So I just smiled and said “OK.”

I’m sure the next time we hang out I’ll get drunk and ask him if he thinks “ex-boyfriend will actually come to our wedding or if he’ll just send a really shitty present.” and he’ll be like, “I think ex-boyfriend would at least send a nice present.” and I’ll disagree heartily because Ex-boyfriend has horrible taste and I used to pick out that kind of stuff.  Then he will run screaming from my apartment because I will officially have driven him insane. 

Welcome to my world.

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