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Posts Tagged ‘hilarious’

questions1

I just discovered this website called WikiAnswers (by googling “that stupid quote about letting love go and it coming back again and then you had it, or you lost it or something like that”). And let me tell you my friends, I think this is the place for me. 

Essentially anyone with a connection to the internets or access to a public library can ask questions and anyone else with the same luxuries can answer them.  I immediately though…”I am never going to be able to work again because I am going to be answering  ‘Would Chris Brown wanna git wit a eleven year old?’ all day every day from now on.”

Then I realized you have to register for something and that sounded like it would take time, and I don’t have room in my inbox for junk mail from wikianswers because it is full of junk mail from Pottery Barn and Bluefly already.  So I decided to treat you, dear reader,  to the answers to 4 of the questions that I deemed interesting enough to answer.  Enjoy.

Q:  HOW DO YOU BECOME NOT TICKLISH?

A: I think you begin by learning to compose a proper sentence.  I hear they also make a cream for that these days. Its French I believe.  Just google “french tickler.” You are welcome.

Q: TYLER PERRY’S HOUSE OF PAYNE?

A: I am sorry to admit that I, nor anyone on the planet, have any answers for this question.  It is an enigma like “What is Shanae Grimes on? (And can I have some)” or “Does God have feet?” I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.  We are all just as confused as you are as to why movies where men dress up as fat women are so popular. I do offer my most sincere apologies.

Q: WHAT DO THIRTEEN YEAR OLDS WANT?

A: Thirteen year-olds, like any children, all want the same thing.  To make your life as sticky, noisy, and miserable as possible.  They will use all of your money, eat all of your food, yell at you, and eventually crush your very soul. But then some day they will turn 18 and demand that you spend every last penny that you have in order to send them to college where they will probably do all kinds of reckless things like binge drink, pierce body parts, and make out with frat boys in the “secret room” at the Halloween party.

(Note from the author: I’d like to take this opportunity to congratulate my friend ashley who is knocked up!! I’m sure YOUR kid will be different… just keep them away from me…seriously…I’m begging you, I’ll pay…BIG.)

Q: WHY DO PEOPLE HATE EMOS SO MUCH?

A: My mother once told me in a life-altering email:

“[Life] is not a beauty contest- maybe [that girl who is really fug that you were talking mad shit about] is beautiful on the inside- WHERE IT REALLY COUNTS. Didn’t you learn anything by watching that old TV show with Tuti, JO (the tomboy), and about 5 others, one was really pretty and rich (she is today a Christian speaker, living in Mt Pleasant TX, I hear her on the radio sometimes), one black, one chubby, they all lived in a boarding school with an older woman,  and others- it came on around the time of Different Strokes but I can’t remember the name of it.    I’m sure Gilmore Girls addressed this issue too….

If you can think of the show let me know, it is driving me crazy.
MOM

I think, what my mother is trying to say here, is that people hate emos because they are ugly on the inside. 

I personally believe it is also because they have chosen Pete Wentz to be their king.  We’ll categorize that as “poor decision making skills.”

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This weekend I was given free basketball tickets by my dad (who I’m sure did not intend for me to  make a cocktail out of wine and beer beforehand and continue to drink my way through 4am).  I decided to offer them up to Ex-boyfriend’s Good Friend.  Who was also a good friend of mine in college and just moved to Dallas.  This was both the best and worst decision I have made since I decided to go to Mexico for a friends wedding and leave all of my luggage in Austin (true story for another time and place.)

Ex-boyfriend’s Good Friend and I have always had a bit of strange chemistry, but I was always Ex-boyfriend’s Girlfriend and he was his Good friend, so obviously we kept our hands to ourselves and played nice.  But I think we all knew what we were getting ourselves into when he accepted the ticket.  I also took  J. and my ginger-friend P.

Everything was great FOR THE FIRST TWO MINUTES OF THE GAME when ExBf’sGF asks me “so are you and Ex-boyfriend cool now or…?” I can hear J. giggling over my shoulder because she knows I now have to have the awkward conversation of  “no, in fact if that asshole was on fire in a puddle of gasoline, I’d probably spray him with jet fuel, but some sort of hybrid slow-burning jet fuel because he took my heart and tore it into tiny little pieces and then used those pieces to spell ‘and I’m taking your dog too but lets still be friends which means I’ll never speak to you again and you will always feel really stupid that you believed me'” (In reality I said, “No, not really, I’ve only talked to him once since…uh, you know”).

We get through the rest of the game  slightly less awkwardly and decide to head to a local bar to meet up with another one of Ex-boyfriend’s Friends who is actually really helpful in easing the tension as he doesn’t ask anything about Ex-boyfriend or why Ex-boyfriend’s Good Friend and I are making bedroom eyes at one another.

(typically when I run into anyone who knew me in college the conversation goes like this. They are all “oh my god, how are you? You used to be so cute in college, but I guess we’ve all seen our better days.” And I grudgingly reply “Thanks, it must have been the meth addiction.” then they are always like “WHAT?!?!” and then I say, “nevermind” and they say, “By the way, how is Ex-boyfriend?” and I say “Dead hopefully.” And they are all “WHAT?!?!” and then I’m like “Just kidding. We broke up last year, but I do hope he has a seriously painful case of the herp. Well, hope I see you again sometime soon!”)

So J and L (who joined us for the drinking portion of the evening) decide to go home in this fashion – “OK BYE WE ARE LEAVING. REALLY TIRED. YOU STAY. STAY AND HAVE FUN. E. SIT, STAY, GOOD GIRL. BYEEEEEE.” Then they threw me a treat and peaced out.

So I ended up at 4 am with Ex-boyfriend’s Good Friend on the balcony of Ex-boyfriend’s Other Friend’s town home. And he is all “You know you are making this really hard right?”

I bat my eyes (or maybe I just couldn’t keep the right one open at the same time as the left one) and say “But I don’t know what you are talking about.”

He says “I can’t date you, because I have to be a good friend to Ex-boyfriend.” And I provide him with a bunch of rational (read: drunk-ass) reasons why that is stupid.  Then because I am SO smooth with the gentlemen.

I START CRYING.

So he says “don’t do that” reaches in to give me a hug, and then defies all laws of nature and starts making out with me. Which was a very pleasurable experience for 37 seconds until we were interrupted by a girl who had asked me earlier if he and I were dating because we were “the cutest couple.” I shot across the 3×5 balcony like the wall was made of Snickers and I hadn’t eaten in a week.

Long story short.  The next morning I talked to him to make sure he wasn’t like OMG WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!??!??!!! And he was like “we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.” I didn’t think it was the appropriate time to tell him I totally plan on designing a jet pack by then, so I don’t ever have to cross any bridges because they REALLY freak me out. So I just smiled and said “OK.”

I’m sure the next time we hang out I’ll get drunk and ask him if he thinks “ex-boyfriend will actually come to our wedding or if he’ll just send a really shitty present.” and he’ll be like, “I think ex-boyfriend would at least send a nice present.” and I’ll disagree heartily because Ex-boyfriend has horrible taste and I used to pick out that kind of stuff.  Then he will run screaming from my apartment because I will officially have driven him insane. 

Welcome to my world.

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The clever and quirky title of this blog was also my status on g-chat for about 20 minutes today. 

The following conversation is an example of why I don’t have any normal friends.

L:  okay, i have wondered this for years.
is his head REALLY frozen?
Sent at 2:07 PM on Wednesday
 

me:  yes, i did it personally

L:  were you even alive when he died?

( five minute break in which I frantically googled “the year walt disney died” and realized there is a website called www.findadeath.com which is a dream for FREAKS like me because you can find all kinds of interesting facts like “Kurt Russel has confirmed a long-standing industry legend…that the last thing Walt Disney did before he died was write the words, “Kurt Russel.”  )

me:  if i can can cryogenicly freeze things does it really matter if i was alive
maybe i just cryogenicly froze myself, then waited until someone invented a time machine then used the time machine to go back and cryogenicly freeze the head of walt disney

it could happen

im just saying

Lauren:  i cant even wrap my mind around that.
Sent at 2:18 PM on Wednesday

me:  I wouldn’t expect you to be able to

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Just asking…

Does wondering if I would still love my dog if she only had one eye make me a bad person?

 

My roommate A. has a dog.  I also have a dog.  The difference is other living beings seem to like my dog. 

Almost every time her dog sees my dog it instantly attacks my dog’s face.  So I guess it is a good thing that she keeps her dog locked in a cage in her closet all day every day (oh, except to take it out to the bathroom and let it run around like the savage that it is and stop to pee three drops in 14 different places in my apartment while A. stands and screams “go to your room, go to your room, I SAID GO TO YOUR ROOM!” and chases it around the dining room table like a scene from I Love Lucy.)

It’s always been a little annoying, but when my dog woke up with a corneal abrasion that was infected (which the vet said was probably caused by rough play with another animal…wonder what little gremlin she could be referring to?) I wanted to put the thing back in the feral cat trap it came from (that is not a joke… the dog was found in a cat trap – you decide its level of intelligence).

So several hours and $178 later, I have to put drops in my dogs eye 4 times a day (because I don’t have to work or anything) and smear some sort of cream that smells vaguely like a bums breath across her eye twice a day. 

But I’m happy to report that the neon green goop in the corner of her eye has now turned a lovely shade of sage green lowering my level of concern from “OH MY GOD MY DOG IS ONLY GOING TO HAVE ONE EYE AND SMALL CHILDREN ARE GOING TO POINT AND SCREAM AT HER FOR THE REST OF HER PITIFUL LIFE!!!” to “eww, this is kind of gross.”

Which is a HUGE relief because why I felt the need to lock  my dog away like Bertha of Jane Eyre would only be a good way to start conversations with men at bars for so long.

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Part of my job requires me to go to the Dallas Auto Auction once a week and be groped by the eyes of approximately 4,000 dirty old men of varying age, race, and sizes.  Awkward…Did I mention that I attend with my father? Awkwarder…

On occasion some yummy little delight emerges from the 3,999 other fellas to catch my attention.  Recently we relocated and I now find myself back to back with the “Is-he-or-isn’t-he” Guy.  If you have ever been sitting at a Chili’s with your mom while she talks incessantly about the new American Girl doll and stared at some guy across the booth while gnawing on your baby back ribs with a quizzical expression on your face, you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about. 

IS THAT GUY OVER THERE CUTE OR NOT???

Well this was week three of the little game that “Is-he-or-isn’t-he” Guy and I play that I like to call, “Could you possibly turn me off more, and do you want to go make out?”

The first week, “Is-he-or-isn’t-he” Guy brought out the “hey look, I’m normal” card by wearing jeans and a t-shirt.  He is tall, and has a well-sculpted body.  In addition, we are in the same bizarre line of work, so I thought that could be fun. (As in, when people don’t believe what I do, at least I can turn to him and roll my eyes as if to say, “imbeciles!”)

Score: Is He: 1; Isn’t He: 0

The following week “Is-he-or-isn’t-he” Guy slipped a few notches. In what I can only assume was a shortage of time to get ready in the morning, he put together an outfit consisting of cutoff cammo cargo shorts and a t-shirt.  I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you gasping through the computer screen, you must not have read that correctly.  I SAID CUTOFF CAMMO CARGO SHORTS. 

Score: Is He: 1; Isn’t He: 1,647,286

Then he smiled at me and introduced himself and I had to adjust the score a little.

Score: Is He: 1; Isn’t He: 1

This week, he really outdid himself as showcased in the following series of text messages with J.

November 12, 2008 10:17 AM

Cammo cargs is wearing basketball shorts today…in public…where no sport is being played.  This is getting redic.  What will he be wearing next week?!?!?!

From J:

Nov 12, 2008 10:19 AM

I would say god only knows but somehow i don’t think god has anything to do with this. Hes always struck me as a man of style.

[Note from the author: I think J. is talking about god being the one who has great style as she has never met the “Is-he-or-isn’t-he” Guy. Which could be true, I think I saw a pair of Prada sandals once that looked exactly like the ones that Jesus is wearing in The Last Supper.  I mean, I know that is God’s son, but no matter how hard you try, your values rub off on your kids.  Also, I’ve never seen God’s feet which leads me to believe he doesn’t have any, and therefore cannot wear Prada sandals, poor guy.)

Score: Is He: 1; Isn’t He: 2

Tune in next week when I report again on what a virtual stranger is wearing and whether or not I think it is absurd.

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