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Posts Tagged ‘office supplies that want to drive me mad and/or kill me’

I’m pretty sure that a major television network needs to secretly install a webcam in the corner of my office so that the entire population of the free world (sorry China) can watch me eff things up on a regular basis.  For instance, yesterday this charming sequence of events occurred. 

I boldly attempt to staple a reciept on top of a stack of papers.

The staple goes through on one side but not the other causing the stapler to be stuck to the paper. 

I remove the stapler, spend 5 minutes trying to get the broken part of the staple out and attempt to staple it again.

The stapler again only staples on one side and eats the other half of the staple.

Upon trying to remove said staple bits with a staple puller I somehow manage to launch the staple puller across the room around the other side of my desk.

Being both too lazy and too stupid to stand up out of my chair, walk around my desk and retrieve said staple puller, I scoot in my desk chair all the way around my desk and reach down to pick it up.

I almost fall out of my chair, but manage to maintain my balance long enough for the receipt to fall off of the stack of papers in my lap and blow back under my desk.

Must…..scoot….back…to….other…side…of…desk. (with much effort)

I bend down to retrieve the reciept, once again almost losing balance, even lifting one wheel off the ground.

While trying to scoot backwards to rearrange the mess of papers still in my lap, I realize that my purse has gotten caught underneath said lifted wheel. I stand up to try to fix it (forgetting that there is a stack of papers in my lap) and cover the floor with papers formerly in my lap.

Finally, I stand up to rectify all situations. Purse strap removed – reciept, stack of papers, stapler & staple puller placed on desk.

At this point there is nothing else I can do but sigh sit down, take a few moments to recoup and get back to work.

I boldly attempt to staple a receipt on top of a stack of papers.

The staple goes through on one side but not the other causing the stapler to be stuck to the paper. 

I put my head down on my desk and begin to cry.

And if you think I’m making this shit up, just think about this, WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS HOLY WOULD I WANT ANYONE TO THINK I AM INCAPABLE OF STAPLING A STACK OF PAPERS TOGETHER?

In other non-suicide-inducing news… the other girl who works in my office tried to borrow my stapler today and once again the staple goes through on one side but not the other causing the stapler to be stuck to the paper. This is about the time I think… “See, I am not a complete idiot” and begin yelling “I’m the King of the World Rose, the King of the World.”

 

Then she says, “Why don’t you just trade yours for the one on the front desk. It works fine.”

(This is the part where the web cam catches me in the corner of my office talking to my tape dispenser about how the calculator wants to kill me and routinely pulling out my eyelashes one by one.)

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